Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
