Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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