Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
