my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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