I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
