did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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