Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
