Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
