I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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