I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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