Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
