I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
