I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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