Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
