I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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