You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
