you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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