in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
