If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
