You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
