just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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