just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
