my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
