I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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