FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
