Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
