you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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