She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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