I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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