I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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