I CAN MOONWALK!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
