just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
