her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
