Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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