And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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