She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
