Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
