My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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