8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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