Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
