After last night, I could never be a politician.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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