return my video game
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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