You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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