So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
