in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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