i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
