we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
