Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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