I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
