his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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