does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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