yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
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Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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