I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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