i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
