There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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