You smell like a Billy Joel song
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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