Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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