I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize