you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
