i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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