My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
